The problem with modern feminist ideology and no solution yet

While growing up in a very conservative family and being forced to perform feminine duties like learning household chores, cooking, and doing puja, I rejected all the commands, and I was a rebel. I could not tolerate that I was treated less than my brothers. I got tired of hearing that someday I would leave my nesting family and move to my husband’s family, and I have no right over the wealth, and everything will be distributed to the male members of the household. Deep inside, I used to think that I should be treated equally, like my brother, and I should have equal respect and rights.

However, now here I am. Living abroad, finished my second Master’s, doing a good job, but at the end of the day, I am very tired of carrying out the feminist spirit. I am also tired of the fellow feminists’ ideology that we should ‘dismantle patriarchy’, ‘women can do everything’, and ‘women do not need anyone’. I feel like burnt out sometimes. As a heterosexual, cisgender female, I feel the need for another heterosexual man to be there for my emotional support and as a sexual partner. In my sexual fantasy, I love being cared for and dominated by a man sometimes, but unfortunately, the whole social, economic structure is standing tall on the base of patriarchy, and I feel like heterosexual males do not like to share equal counterparts with females.

I have been dealing with a lot of dilemmas recently. Before I lose track of my writing, I would like to address those:

When we say ‘dismantle patriarchy’, how do we want to replace/deconstruct it? We need a proper structure and vision to counter this argument. Do we want to replace it with matriarchy? Will matriarchy ensure that women from all social classes, races are treated equally?

What do we mean by a gender egalitarian society? How will it be established?

One of the key reasons for which patriarchy started was the accumulation of personal wealth and passing the wealth through the male inheritance. For this reason, women’s sexuality was controlled by men, and women had to leave their father’s house after marriage and move to their husband’s home. Will the equal wealth distribution among all children, irrespective of their gender, solve this problem?

During the precolonial period, in some of the Indigenous tribes, women’s role was nurturing the family, participating in the agricultural work, weaving, etc., and they were treated as ‘sacred beings’. Some of them were tribe leaders as well. Just because women used to take care of the household work, they were not treated as any less than men. Somehow, I feel like modern feminism demeans the feminine spirit and qualities like nurturing, taking care of the household. We become critical when some educated women make the decision to remain as a ‘housewife’ or ‘homemaker’. Even when I was young, I rejected/ suppressed my feminine energy as I believed it would make me look ‘weak’.

Now, there is another problem. I strongly believe that until men control all the wealth, women can never gain independence. To ensure to gain wealth or financial freedom, women have to do paid work. For doing paid work, women have to stay outside of their homes. In this case, women who deliberately choose to be ‘homemakers’ will be in trouble, unless their husbands/partners agree to allocate a certain amount of money on each month.

There is another argument that unpaid labor has certain value in society. I also believe that it is true, but remember, you are living in a capitalistic society. Unless the state allocates a certain stipend for the women for child rearing/ looking after the home, the women will face trouble at the end of the day, as they will have no place to go when the partner stops providing money for them.

There is a myth prevailing that before colonization, there were only matriarchal/ matrilineal societies in the world, which is not true. While matrilineal societies were prevailing in different parts of the world, there were patriarchal societies as well.

I have seen the feminists blaming the toxic patriarchal structure when one woman subjugates another woman. Do you think that if societies were matriarchal, each person would treat the other person in an equal manner, irrespective of their class or race? If so, why do white feminists think they are superior to Asian feminists?

I am still looking for all the answers to fill the loopholes.